Motherland Will Always Betray You, Son
Transnistria as a case study on the thankless fate of an imperial vassal
I remember how it all started in Transnistria, the thin sliver of land on the eastern edge of Moldova, where I was born, raised and lived the first 17 years of my life. An eternal borderland, forever stuck between Slavs, Romanians and Turks, it had been a part of Ukraine, Russia, the Ottoman Empire and Romania. Always in turmoil, never truly settled in as a part of any nation, constantly populated by fighters, adventurers and crooks, but whose most prominent citizens always turned out to be Jews of extremely peaceful vocations, my home town of Bender was built by Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent, once housed the Swedish king Charles XII, and loved erecting monuments to Glorious Russian Military Past, even though nobody in Russia proper ever knew it existed.
When Stalin annexed Moldova in 1940, he, as was his custom, redrew the borders, taking the eastern bank of the Dniester river from Ukraine and giving it to the new “Moldavian SSR”, in exchange for Moldova’s southern area of Bugeac (pronounced “Boo Jack”, but don’t bother remembering). The region has remained about two thirds ethnically Slavic (most of the Jews, like myself, had the good sense to blow the joint when the going was good) and almost universally Russian- and Ukrainian-speaking since. And, of course, as was the case of most such areas of the USSR, subject to colonization by Russian settlers and complete erasure of most traits of Romanian national identity.
So it came to pass that in 1990, as I was fruitlessly trying to convince a female classmate in a tiny provincial high school that my height and erudition trumped the terminal handicaps of my Jewishness and fashion sense, Moldova had the bad taste to declare independence, and all hell broke loose. It all began the same way it would in eastern Ukraine in 2014: with the defense of Ze Greyt Rashen Kalchur. With fears that Moldova’s Romanian speakers would exact their revenge upon Russian colonists. With proclamation about the sanctity of Russian monuments, of the Russian language, of returning to the Russian history of the region, of the utter unacceptability of ever letting this piece of The Great Motherland to become a part of the collective, hated West. Bender, incidentally, is on the west bank of the Dniester and thus couldn’t even claim to be a part of historical Russia torn away by “Stalin’s mistake”, but since most of its population spoke Russian, the colonists claimed it anyway.
Spurred by KGB agents hastily sent from the metropolis, the locals organized against the despised “Romanian nationalists” and proclaimed their own quasi-state, catchily named “Pridnestroviye”, which Romanian speakers referred to as Transnistria (literally “land beyond the Dniester”). As the USSR got busy dying, this thin strip of land was resolved to carry on the Soviet legacy. The flag of “Transnistrian Republic” and its coat of arms carried the hammer and sickle, its national languages were Russian, Ukrainian and “Moldavian” (a Soviet invention, which constituted nothing more than the Romanian language transcribed in the Cyrillic alphabet).
And, most importantly, it began organizing and arming the local citizenry, something that I was subject to as well, until I, very wisely, did the aforementioned blowing of the joint.
Thus started the Transnistrian War, a short conflict in which Russia, the biggest nation in the world, fought Moldova, one of the smallest and poorest countries in Europe. Not that Russia ever declared war, of course. It merely sent in its troops, disguised as Cossacks, insurgents and volunteers, and then swooped in as “a peacekeeper”, effectively occupying the region. But not before several hundred of the locals, clad in their faux leather jackets and their knockoff “abibas” track suits and carrying Kalashnikovs handed out by covert Russian agents, perished in their assigned roles as front-line cannon fodder. All of this in the name of Ze Greyt Rashen Kalchur and “fighting Romanian Nazis”, mind you. If it’s hard not to see this piece of bloody bullshit as a dress rehearsal for Ukraine, it’s only because this is exactly what it was.
For the next 30+ years, Transnistria lay forgotten. Not controlled by Moldova, not officially annexed by Russia (though most definitely occupied by its troops), it kept pretending the Soviet Union still existed. It was ruled by a mafia clan of ex-KGB officers, who financed the nation (but primarily their own lavish lifestyles) via international weapon trade and drug trafficking. Its first president, originally from Siberia, looked like a product of a wild orgy between every single Marvel villain ever.
Its second president was, let’s just say, a tiny bit rapey. His "cabinet" was usually described as "The harem." Here are some of the officials: the Pension Fund Director, the National Bank Director, the Foreign Minister and the Minister of Finance. The bank director birthed him a daughter. But he married the Foreign Minister.
For more than three decades, the citizens of “Transnistria” lived in an unrecognized pseudo-state, without internationally convertible currency, valid passports or human rights, feeding on the delirium of being the last outpost of the Soviet empire and waiting for the glorious day when Mother Russia would take them back into her bosom. The Lenin monuments stood proudly erect in city squares, the children grew up being taught the Soviet version of history and, of the three official languages, only Russian was spoken or tolerated. Oh, and the ruling mafia also built a multi-million-dollar soccer stadium for its pet project: a European-quality pro team staffed by Serbian and Brazilian imports with nothing better to do than to go play in a make-belief country.
Back in 2006, the team, Sheriff Tiraspol, was drawn against Spartak Moscow in the Champions League qualifier. I attended the game in Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium and sat near a small group of Transnistrians who were belting out ridiculous chants meant to endear themselves to their imperial masters: “Transnistria is a part of Great Russia!” and “You are our brothers forever!” The brothers forever laughed at these Soviet relics with their Communist flags and outdated clothes. “Must be a day off at the construction site!”, they yelled back, referencing the usual occupation of Moldovan guest workers in Moscow. “Go back to work, wetbacks!”
I felt no sympathy for my erstwhile compatriots. One would really have to be a special kind of a befuddled idiot to ever expect any favors from Russia, particularly if you are its loyal colonial settler. Just because you are willing to die in a wet ditch in your “abibas” attire in order to preserve the legacies of Vladimir Lenin and Alexander Pushkin doesn’t make you the equal of “real Russians”, you moron!
Well, luckily, nowadays, Transnistrians don’t have to take my word for it.
For those who don’t follow the news coming out of Eastern Europe, here is what happened. Russia, in its valiant efforts to fix any foreign election it possibly could in order to install Moscow-friendly crooks, kooks and dictators worldwide, has been trying to do just that in Moldova. And, unlike in America, Russia failed! Moldovans managed to elect a pro-Western president and are now gearing up for a parliamentary election. In an effort to sway Moldovans to vote for a pro-Russian party, Putin has stopped transferring Russian gas to Europe through Moldova, hoping to freeze the recalcitrant former colony in the middle of winter. Moldova, though, is at least being helped by Romania, so it’s not doing too bad. But guess who IS freezing as a result of Russia’s actions! That’s right, its loyal colonial vassals in Transnistria!
With Transnistrian authorities refusing (and likely forbidden by Russia) to take up Moldova on its offer to mediate gas purchases in Europe, the region is now cut off from all natural gas supplies. The water heating is completely shut off, and the residential buildings are receiving, according to reports, “only enough gas to cook.” The remaining natural gas is set to run out in a couple of weeks. Mid-January is notoriously not a balmy season in this part of Eastern Europe. Transnistria’s most coveted luxury commodity nowadays is firewood, and it’s being distributed on a quota basis. The schools are shut down, so are most kindergartens. And since most of the population has no internet access, online learning isn’t a thing.
This is a good time to quote Arkady Babchenko, a former Russian journalist, now in exile, who once, by way of debunking the myth of Russia’s glory and benevolence, famously said: “Motherland will always betray you, son!”
The most powerful thing about Russia is not its military and certainly not Ze Greyt Kalchur. It’s the awesome strength of its delusions, which it harbors within itself and infects its loyalists with. Transnistria only exists so that Russia can have troops on Moldovan soil and intimidate its former colony into obedience. But Transnistrians have spent more than three decades fantasizing about a benevolent Motherland that will save them, take them back into the imperial embrace and help them lord over the rustic Romanian speakers again. The poor idiots truly thought that Russia loves and protects them. One can only hope that hypothermia can cure delirium.
But Russia itself has spent decades imagining how its mighty fist will smash puny Ukraine - only to waste tens of thousands of expendable human meat trying to take the ruins of a village in Donbas. Russia has spent decades telling itself that it can flick a switch and make European cities freeze - only to do it to its own miserable vassals in the end.
How appropriate! There is nothing Russia can do better than to kill and hurt its own. This is the true Greyt Rashen Kalchur, as evident in the fact that Ivan the Terrible and Stalin, two worst murderers of Russians ever, are the country’s national heroes. But this is something even frostbite isn’t likely to cure.
The Motherland will betray you, son. Because you deserve it.
Slava: Did you speak/understand Romanian as a youth? If so, did that Latin based language assist with your English transition?
Great write up. Russian ambitions have always been destructive.